Renata

CLITerally

Curiosity may have killed the cat but it’s gonna set your pussy free. So get your finger on the BUTTON cause that is just the tip of the niceberg…

I’m not here to give a big old anatomy lesson – suffice to say your clitoris is huge – you are hung like a donkey – woof woof! I am 59 and only learnt this a few years ago – how is that even possible?  It’s reasonable to not know THAT much about every organ in your body.  All our bits and pieces generally get on with their jobs without us needing to know too much about their size and/or function: liver, lungs, stomach, spleen – no need to micromanage. I am however, intimately acquainted with my clitoris –  we have a close personal relationship – unlike my colon which can go on about its’ business with only a little input from me…

Strangely the Victorians did a fair bit of research on this. Okay rewind – Victorian MEN did some ‘research’ on this and surprise, surprise wrong again. Well they got the form right – if you dissect enough women you should be able to get the size and structure correct as outlined in my 1911 ’Health and Longevity’ compendium. That being said it was determined that the clitoris was not for sexy times (solo or otherwise) but more as a handy button to relieve Victorian women from their hysteria by pelvic massage. That a corseted 19th Century woman would go to a doctor to have this ‘service’ performed is wackadoodle. By the 1920s the pussy was out of the bag – blue movies were showing vibrators being used as nature intended. STOP THE PRESSES – women of the world receiving pleasure – better make it a sin.



Feeling HYSTERICAL? the ‘doctor’ is in
The illuminati has nothing on us – prepare for the rising of the CLITORATI – coming your way…

Back to squirming our way toward cliteracy. In my ever increasing feminista library there are 2 current books on rotation full of pink pearls of wisdom.

Award winning author Emily Nagoski Ph .D brings us ‘Come as You Are’ which should be required reading for anyone with a pulse. So many miss myths get unpacked – cat’s outtathebag now! A funny honest romp through our biology, history and reassurances that we are all normal and good to go whether or not our lady bits resemble anything that you have seen and let’s face it if you’ve seen a clitoris other than your own (get a mirror and have a peak) they are probably hairless, white and photoshopped. Emily and myself have given a slight pass on the hairless representations as one can get a better look without da fuzz but rest assured we can be a hairy bunch. I am also pretty sure BIPOC peeps have genitalia but when looking for illustrative rather than porn images you would think that anyone not lily white missed the day nature was handing out bits and bobs.

My current lunchtime reading is Lucy Cooke’s ‘BITCH On the Female of the Species’. This book is pure STEALTH SCIENCE – you are so busy laughing that you don’t realize how smart you’re getting in the process.  There are countless examples of how ridiculously PATRIARCHAL science IS. Science is supposed to be ‘the pursuit and application of knowledge and understanding of the natural and social world following a systematic methodology based on evidence’ except for all the evidence that was/is continually ignored when it comes to, well anyone not in possession of a penis.  Victorian men with their sensitive egos couldn’t handle that females of ANY species much less human could be a varied bunch with different types of junk in their trunks. The clitoris was  ‘discovered’ by Italian Catholic priest, Gabriele Falloppio (1523-92) rather similar to Columbus ‘discovering’ the New World… In any case this little friend was dismissed by the physician Vesalius (the founder of modern human anatomy) as ‘this new and useless part’ and that it did not exist in ‘healthy’ women, and thought to only be found in hermaphrodites. According to the 16th century I am an unhealthy hermaphrodite – who knew… Well bring on the army of amazing women scientists who Lucy Cooke introduces us to. Their unsinkable curiosity has pulled back the ‘curtains’ on all things genitalia. From the hyenas 8 inch external clitoris with a set of sealed up fuzzy labia that give new meaning to the term ‘lady balls’, to the opossum’s forked penis which made dude science surmise that opossums must have sexy times by sticking their member up an opossum lady’s nostrils – certainly there could be no other explanation… 

I bought my first vibrator when I was in my late teens (circa 1983) at Vancouver’s Love Shop – well howdeedoodee – that’s what all the fuss was about. Fast forward a few years and I had a frequent flyer card at Womyn’s Wear – no muss – no fuss – just great info. Commercial Drive Dykes know their shit! 

French Sociologist Odile Fillod’s 3D printed clitoris.

photograph taken from wikipedia – young hairless and white – I would prefer a greater representation – fuzzy pussy, elder pussy, bipoc pussy – here kitty kitty kitty

1911 HEALTH and LONGEVITY

This text clearly illustrates that the full length and breadth of the clitoris was known back before ‘talkies’ but we never talked about it. The ‘Stepford Wife’ – that little beauty does more than vibrate…

My husband and I have been together for a coupla decades – he is not threatened by a piece of plastic – bless his little cotton socks. I want to state that I do work on keeping my plastic consumption to a minimum so rest assured my wee plastic friends are not ‘single use’ so free square for me. When I told him about how HUGE my clitoris really is he got on the bunny trail, did some research (cause he’s a curious guy) and picked up this little beauty. I dubbed her the ‘Stepford Wife’ (1975 version let’s be clear) as she is such a nice robot lady that is willing to do all the heavy lifting – bless.  A confident feminist man is not afraid of a battery and besides a little lithium is good for ya!

And now for your musical interlude. I was thinking happy clitoris thoughts when I heard Little Jackie’s song VAGINAMITE. The musical duo of Imani Coppola and Adam Pallin. Imani slams it every time – plus she swears more than me – who knew that was possible.  With lyrics like ‘…my pussy is vaginamite…’ and ‘… I’ve got explosives in my jo jo…’ you really can’t go wrong! Click here and buy it for yourself – artists gotta eat!

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Don’t be a ‘CLITiot’ take a DEEPER DIVE

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Renata

in my POCKET

One would have thought it was colonialism – racism perhaps – or the * current rampant misogyny that would have brought me to this *supernova moment. But no – and honestly you could have knocked me over with a feather – it was pockets! To be specific women’s pockets. Well – cockadoodledo – and welcome to the rodeo.

The injustice of being lady pocket prohibited seems minor – it’s brushasideable as compared to – say – genocide – the destruction of the environment – I mean you pick –  all definitely more important and protest worthy than not being allowed to have a pocket – or is it? OF COURSE IT FUCKING IS but the lack of pockets is still important and represents the insidious way women have been controlled.

I’d been hearing rumblings about pockets – or the lack thereof in the last few years.  Feminists and other learned ones writing essays and being interviewed on the topic of pockets – London’s Victoria & Albert Museum having an exhibition on said pocket pinching. Who stole the pockets and why? The more I thought about it the pissier I got – not pretty – ask PBH (poorbastardhusband). Soooooo let me get this straight – on top of all the other fuckadoodle bullshittery – burning at the stake – sex slavery – slavery in general – inequality in most ways – we (her/she) were also not allowed to actually HAVE a pocket to put our ‘things’ in. So – who’s afraid of the big bad pocket – little baby French men as it turns out – quelle surpreeze. The French Revolution – good times. Women were not allowed pockets and Napoleon gets one named after him – well bollocks to that!

“An 1899 New York Times piece makes the somewhat tongue-in-cheek claim that civilization itself is founded on pockets. “As we become more civilized, we need more pockets,” the piece says, “No pocketless people has ever been great since pockets were invented, and the female sex cannot rival us while it is pocketless.”

What’s the big deal you ask – I asked that too – and hippity hop down the rabbit hole I went. Between me – delta-9-tetrahydrocannabinol – and the stars – I figured it out – TADA.

It started with not wanting those sneaky women to be carrying things about: weapons (lady knives – that sort of thing) or secret messages (eat after reading category), or MONEY. Nooooooo the real fear was of our THOUGHTS. Once there is not much left to oppress – you have to go after the thoughts. Orwell knew this – but like all of us, he was a product of the patriarchy so even his opines on women are a bit tweaky. In the 1940s when he wrote 1984, Rosie the Riveter was only allowed pockets because they were in the men’s clothing she was wearing.

My English grandmother was handed a pair of men’s coveralls complete with pockets when she showed up for the war effort to paint battleships of some sort. “You can take that apron off now dear” (well until you get home and have to make dinner).

photo by Mary Evans Picture Library (not my grandma but could have been)

The ONLY photo I have ever seen of my maternal grandmother, wearing an apron with one hand in her pocket…

I doubt she ever gave anyone a high 5 but this one’s for you grandma! Alanis Morissette – One Hand in My Pocket

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“settle down little missy – you got lots of purdy purses to put your bits and pieces”

the PATRIARCHY

Fast forward 75 years or so et voila we have pockets although surprise surprise inequity still exists. Last winter my husband and I needed new winter jackets. Both from the same company, both had hoods, both had a warm cozy lining, and both had pockets. My jacket has 2 pockets, but Dean’s jacket has 7!!!

Just look at the smug look on his face. Hands in pockets and room for all the bananas…

Not that I’m overly competitive but when a friend’s partner was selling his (bless small men as their clothes fit me) uber groovy jacket I snapped it up, and full bragging rights here – MY jacket (ergo a WOMAN’S jacket) has 11 pockets. It even has this weird little pocket on the back left shoulder – just enough room for my secret pocket thoughts, and perhaps a small knife.

The look of POCKET ecstasy on my face says it all – you can see the serotonin being released!!! What to do with all those bananas…

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POCKET definitions + slang

  • Deep POCKETS – If an organization or person has deep pockets, they have a lot of money (so the deeper the better!)
  • To POCKET– to take and keep (especially money) hmmm there is that $ thang again. Thieve, purloin, embezzle, expropriate, appropriate, misappropriate, swipe, filtch.
  • POCKET – small isolated area – the last patch of dirty snow
  • POCKET – sports reference – an opening at the corner or on the side of a billiard table into which balls are struck. (take whatever opening you see and go for it!)
  • ‘eight ball corner POCKET’ – being confident in the fact that you are done, as you would be in making a corner shot in a pool game, or perhaps fucking with the P.
  • POCKET size – suitable for carrying in a pocket ie. pocket pooch, pocket warmer, pocket thoughts…
  • an air POCKET – a small place to breathe in a submerged vehicle, in the crook of the person that is trying to kill you’s arm – that sort of thing.

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FOOT NOTES – let me splain myself

  • current rampant misogyny – Rampant indeed, but CURRENT is the real misnomer as current is belonging to the present time/happening or being used or done now (thank you Oxford dictionary) but according to my initial research we’re talking roughly 6,000 years with roots in Mesopotamia. It would be rather sweeping to say there has been rampant misogyny for all these millenia but women’s position has been subordinate to say the least.
  • current (ALSO and I am delighted to report) A body of water or air moving in a definite direction, especially through a surrounding body of water or air in which there is less movement. Let’s be the current in the sea of patriarchal bullshit!
  • supernova – Any of a class of violently exploding stars whose luminosity after eruption suddenly increases many millions of times its normal level. (oh to be that star!!!)

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DEEPER DIVE

George Orwell (prescient on some topics – dumb as a sack of hair on others…)

A Woman’s Place Ireland (podcast) – great info and if you’re a sucker for an Irish accent have a listen

History – Rosie the Riviter

Pants – while we’re at it we may as well read a little bit about pants – (with 2 legs you think it would have been a natural fit…)

Victoria & Albert Museum (pocket exhibition)

VOX – The Politics of Pockets

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